Homeschooling: Dealing with Skeptics
by Susan Marie Doyle
Once you have made the decision to homeschool, chosen your curriculum and completed all those other things that are necessary to start homeschooling, then comes the hard part -- telling your family and friends.
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While many of your friends and family will be supportive and admire your courage, they might not all feel this way. To your chagrin, you discover that at least one friend or family member is opposed and dedicated to getting you to change your mind. What should you do? How do you handle reluctant relatives and friends without losing your enthusiasm? How do you address their concerns, quell their fears and get them on your side? Or at least not against you?
Perhaps they think homeschooling is a terrible idea. Maybe they simply expressed disapproval. Maybe they argued with you. Maybe they try to talk to the children when you aren't around. But give them a break. Give them credit for caring about your children.
Various approaches
There are different approaches for dealing with friends or relatives who may not be supportive of your decision to homeschool. One approach is to explain your opinions about public schools. The problem with this is that it may come across as an indictment of the public or traditional schools where they went, or where they send their children, or where they may even be a teacher. Additionally, there are many traditioinal schools with excellent records, and there are a lot of dedicated teachers out there. While this tactic may work, it is not a positive approach and could backfire.
Another approach is to tell how wonderful homeschooling is and share stories of tremendously accomplished homeschoolers. While there are extraordinary homeschoolers who win Geography Bees, Spelling Bees, the US Open Tennis Championship, or go to Harvard, the fact is that most homeschoolers are ordinary, happy and successful.
Yet another approach is the it's "my kids, my decision" attitude. It might get them off your back, but this approach probably won't win you much support.
A better approach
But there is a way, based on the real, documented, everyday success of homeschooling, and it is a positive approach rather than a negative one.
Homeschooling works well for even ordinary children and ordinary families. Homeschooling is ultimately more of going to something than running away from -- even if it doesn't start out that way. Homeschooling works, children thrive and it is as much a family decision in how it affects the family as it is an educational decision.
Provide information
First, try addressing their concerns rather than fighting with the dissenters, overwhelming them with horror stories about public schools, or stories of extraordinary homeschoolers. Chances are they have not been part of whatever it was that led you to consider homeschooling, have not been part of all of your research and are not nearly as well-informed about homeschooling as you are.
Even if you did inform them early on that you were considering homeschooling your children, they still will most likely not have the same depth of knowledge that you do.
Most families that choose homeschooling have given the decision a great deal of thought, have done a lot of research and have talked to a lot of experienced homeschoolers. It is only after all of the research and soul-searching, after finally making the decision and taking the leap, that they inform friends and family. Let your family and friends in on what you've found out and why you are making this choice.
Share information about how successful homeschooling really is. You can start by giving them a list of famous homeschoolers from the past and share stories of successful homeschoolers today -- not just famous homeschoolers, but the ordinary stories of how successful homeschooling can be.
Common questions and concerns
The questions and concerns about homeschooling are fairly common. Know what they are so you are well prepared to address whatever concerns may be thrown your way. Topics such as: What about socialization? What about college? What about sports, the prom? Isn't the homeschooling parent -- usually Mom -- giving up too much? There is also the issue of the culture in schools, including things like drugs, peer pressure and bullying. Some people feel this is a normal part of growing up and that children need to learn how to deal with these things. Others don't.
It is, ultimately, a decision for the parents. As for the issue of diversity, inclusive homeschool groups are open to everyone, and not being restricted by the geographical boundaries of a school district, often have quite a cross-section, not only by race but by religion, politics and socioeconomic status.
Socialization is a non-issue, as homeschoolers score as well as or better than traditionally schooled students on most measures, and there are ample opportunities for socialization, from scouts and 4H, to youth sports, church youth groups, and homeschool support groups. As for college, homeschoolers do very well at college. Schools such as Brown University, an ivy league college, actively seek out homeschoolers. Many homeschoolers are heading off to their local community colleges at age 16.
Are you, the parent, sacrificing too much? Veteran homeschoolers will tell you that what you are giving up is the running around, getting kids out the door for the bus, packing lunches, late night homework and all of the stress and running around that goes with having children in school. You may have to give up your nine-to-five career job, but many homeschool parents find other means to work, either sharing homeschooling duties with your spouse and working shifts, or choosing to work from home or run their own business. There are homeschool parents working as writers, photographers, landscapers, day care providers, tutors, salespersons, small business owners and almost anything else you can imagine, and doing it from home or working around the homeschooling.
Despite a common misconception, neither the homeschooled children nor the homeschooled parent are isolated. Indeed, with all of the field trips, co-ops, social activities and support groups, some homeschoolers complain that they are never home. Homeschooling is as much a lifestyle decision as it is an educational choice. Let them know why you chose homeschooling, and why you feel it is the best choice for your child. Include why you also feel that it will be good for yourself and your family as a whole. Many times, the family members who initially dissented end up being your best supporters.
Curriculum and teacher qualifications
There are many ways to deal with curriculum. Homeschoolers use everything from school-at-home packaged curriculums to the child-led method of unschooling. All have shown to be viable, successful methods of learning at home. There are many, many resources for homeschoolers, from catalogs to web sites to the library. Whatever method you choose, have information about your choice to provide to your family and friends.
You may or may not be a certified teacher, but a key ingredient in predicting a student's success is parental involvement. As a homeschooler, you certainly have that covered. And as test scores and college admissions show, homeschoolers are doing just fine. Whether or not the parent is a certified teacher has not been shown to affect the success of homeschooled students.
Homeschooled children: homeschooling's ambassadors
Still, not all of your relatives may come around. Perhaps they're a teacher themselves. Maybe they have children in a public or private school and see your enthusiasm over homeschooling as a criticism of what they're doing. Maybe they simply have the mindset that homeschooling is a bad idea. Try keeping a portfolio of your child's work and show it to that skeptical friend or relative. Show it to the supporters as well. Share your child's success.
Most importantly, your child's own well-being and achievements will speak for themselves. Although it is the exception, sometimes there is that relative who will go behind your back and try to undermine what you are doing. In this case, you might have to simply stand your ground and suggest that they give it a chance, and if they can't be supportive at least don't try to undermine what you are trying to accomplish.
Perhaps the schools were they live are better, perhaps they had a better experience, but homeschooling is what you choose to do and you feel it will work for your children. This is your choice and you have the right to make it. You can safely assure them that you are not going to "ruin your children".
As veternan homeschooler Martha Gibson of Virginia, who has been homeschooling since 1987, says, "I think the key to my family's acceptance of home schooling was just quietly living out our convictions to home school. My kids were the ones who actually won them over."
But despite the occasional difficult or unyielding person, most family members will come around or at least lessen their objections if you can show them that you are committed, the children are doing well. There is a wealth of information that supports the success of homeschooling. Homeschooling works. Let your friends and family in on the secret. It will be your children themselves who ultimately win over the skeptics. Time and again I've talked to homeschoolers who say it was the children themselves who made the difference -- with their self-confidence, ability to discuss a variety of topics, their interest in reading, their interest in going places, the scope and depth of their knowledge on a variety of subjects, and more importantly, their enthusiasm for learning.
Get the skeptics as well as the supporters involved. Invite them to homeschool events, ask for help in teaching some subject to your children in which they may have an expertise or any other way you can think of to get them involved. Before you know it, they will be sending you articles and bragging about these terrific homeschoolers that they know.
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Resources
Notable homeschoolers: www.hoagiesgifted.org/notable.htm
Famous people who homeschooled: Mostly famous people from history, such as Thomas Edison -- http://www.home4schoolgear.com/famoushomeschooler.html
Homeschool success stories: This is a list of modern day homeschoolers: www.gomilpitas.com/homeschooling/weblinks/Famous.htm
Homeschooling Comes of Age: Article on homeschoolers at Brown University, an Ivy League university -- www.brownmagazine.org/storydetail.cfm?ID=672
Homeschoolers and college: A list of homeschool-friendly colleges, and some that are not, and a list of other links -- www.homeschoolteenscollege.net/Policies.htm
Research on homeschooling: A very comprehensive list -- www.gomilpitas.com/homeschooling/weblinks/research.htm
Only through 1996, but an excellent list from Holt and Associates www.holtgws.com/RESEARCH.HTM
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About the author: Susan Marie Doyle lives in Maryland with her husband, three children, three dogs and a cat. They homeschool their children, and Susan is past-president and is currently the newsletter editor for the Eastern Shore Home School Association. She is a freelance writer and photographer.
