Parents often have nowhere to turn but to parenting books for advice. But often, they feel guilty or powerless when they read what they have done in their own parenting is different than what is advised in a book. Book reviewer Dawn Friedman shares her thoughts on using books in parenting.
Parenting books pre-parenthood
I have always loved to read parenting books. When I taught preschool,
I read them to better understand the kids in my class. Later I became
a parent educator and read them so I would know which to include on
the resource list we handed out to class participants.
As a preschool teacher, my time with the children in my care had
clear boundaries; it wasn't like "real life" with all the craziness
that goes with it. I never had to deal with things like bedtimes,
visits to relatives, or grocery shopping. My preschool classroom was
a laboratory setting designed for taking care of a group of kids,
unlike the rest of the world which sometimes seems to be designed to
thwart individual families. My concerns were centered around
socialization and helping each child find his or her place in our
small, short-term, classroom "family."
It was only when I became a parent educator that I started seeing the
limitations of parenting books. I finally began to understand the
many challenges that come with parenthood, and I got an inkling of
why reading parenting books can make parents feel worse (for not
following the program, for not always doing things right) instead of
helping them feel empowered. Talking to exhausted, bewildered parents
who signed up for the class in the hopes of finding answers to
challenging, ever-changing questions helped me to see how vulnerable
parents really are.
First-hand fears and frustrations
After having my own son, I got to taste that vulnerability
first-hand. Now I know the angst of worrying about potty training (or
teaching, depending on the expert writing the book about it), infant
sleep, and whether or not preschool is a good idea. Like every
parent, I want to do things right. I want to protect my son from my
own inevitable mistakes but I don't want to do so much protecting
that I forget to let him live in his own world. Sometimes, the books
I read make this parenting gig seem much more difficult than it
really is. Conversely, sometimes I'm lured by a book's promise that
it will show me how to make being a parent much easier than it could
ever realistically be.
My frustration with parenting books is that the experts who write
them know nothing about our individual lives or our individual
children. How can they give advice when they don't know if our
lifestyle is laid-back, or harried? How can they tell us what to do
if they don't know whether our child is contemplative, or one who
jumps into the world feet-first? How can say they have all the
answers when they don't know whether or not we are perfectly content
in our parenthood, or if we are struggling with the necessary
limitations that being a parent brings to our lives? They cannot know
who we are, how we live, or the rewards and challenges that the
children in our lives bring us and yet they go right on blithely
telling us how things ought to be. Even the best advice from the
smartest expert cannot be right on the mark every time for every
family.
Loving the experts despite their limitations
In spite of all of that, I still think that parenting books are
terrific. Studies show that those of us who know what to expect from
our children developmentally (something that generally comes from
exposure to a spectrum of kids, or from the effort of educating
ourselves) are less likely to abuse our children. Realistic
expectations go a long way toward helping us make sound decisions in
regards to our kids. Also, parenting books are a good way to find
support in a culture where many of us are cut off from our friends
and family who are raising or have raised children.
My hope is that we parents learn to use books as supplements to our
own good sense. Even those of us who may not feel like we can trust
our intuition can learn to use parenting books to help us rediscover
our lost instincts. For example, a close friend of mine who is a
survivor of emotional abuse uses parenting books to help her realize
the kind of parent she wants to be; they've made her a stronger,
better mother.
Come along for the ride
We all bring our own values to the table when we parent. We have
family of origin issues (good and bad), we have religious beliefs,
and we have life philosophies; these things combine to give us an
expectation of how the world ought to be and how our children ought
to fit into that world. Reading parenting books that resonate with
our values helps us feel good about our parenting choices. Reading
those that challenge our belief system can help us see things
differently or can strengthen our resolve.
My first review in this series will be The Baby Book, by Dr. William Sears. I hope that you'll join me.
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