Remote ControlThe online parent's advice columnAnger control for 6 year old by Ron Huxley GeoParent and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Ron Huxley bring you Remote Control, a column for today's online parents. Says Ron, "Here's your place to stop, if only for a few minutes between making dinner and putting the kids down for bed, to read about the solutions you need or to post an important question." Remote Control has three new "Family Engineers", or experts, to answer parents toughest questions. Here's advice from our new Preschool/Early-childhood Behavior expert, Barbara Caggiano. Anger control for six year old Question: I have a six year old boy who needs to learn anger control. When he is out in public he is the best kid, and his father and I are always complemented on his behavior by our family and friends. However, when we are home, and we need to discipline him, he reacts in an unacceptable manner, i.e. kicks his father, yells, punches the walls. I tried to sit him in a corner at one time, and he pushed me against the wall and scratched my shoulder so hard it burned for two days. The punishment I gave him was to remove the TV. from his room. My husband and I have tried talking with him and he has admitted that he needs help because he "doesn't know what to do with the anger". He gets along very well with his peers and has excellent grades in conduct at school. I don't know what we are doing wrong at home. Please help us. Barbara replies: The anger episodes you have described need to be dealt with when they happen, and not at a later time. Children know they are being punished at this age, but sometimes don't always put the punishment to the offense if it is dealt with at a later time. When your son acts like this he needs to be removed from the situation until he is able to conduct himself in a proper manner. He still isn't too old for time outs, a minute for each year of age. This can be sitting in a room by himself or in his own bedroom. After the time out period has passed, you need to sit down and talk to him about the issues that got him to that point, and what he can do to act in a better way, also what got him in trouble to begin with. Has he always thrown tantrums since a small age with you and your husband? If these are tantrums he is having, it means that he is out of control and his senses for whatever reason are overloaded. As with younger children, if he isn't too big, you need to wrap your arms around him tightly and hold him close to you, talking to him in soothing gentle tones until he can calm down. Tantrums are as scary for the children as they are adults. If he is too big then I suggest having him to go a quiet room until he is able to calm down; preferably his bedroom, because in there, if he wrecks his things then he can suffer the consequences of having his things destroyed (don't replace them for him if he breaks them). Another thing you might want to think about is if you are giving his "acting out episodes" too much attention. Children will respond to attention both good and bad. Reward him with praise by telling him how proud you are of him when he acts appropriately. However, if he does act out then you need to send him off to be by himself, and make sure he isn't getting the attention he is seeking when he is acting as he does. Bad attention is better than no attention at all. Hold your son accountable for his actions. If he ruins your things when he acts out, he is old enough to work for you around the house to earn the money to replace them, doing chores that are appropriate for his age. If he is able to conduct himself properly in public then he is able to distinguish when he is doing right and wrong. He needs to get his anger under control and this is the age to tackle it. Is there a set pattern when he is acting this way? Could it be this happens after playing video games, or watching certain types of television shows? Possibly he is tired or frustrated after a long day, or over stimulated in some other way. It might be helpful for you to keep a record of his activities just before these times by keeping a journal and see if there is a pattern. My son at that age used to get very wound up after watching cartoons; and we had to limit the time he was spending in front of the television set. One other thing, is something else going on in his life, which is bringing his frustration levels up. He might feel safe taking them out on you even though that is very wrong. He needs to learn to talk about his frustrations instead of acting upon them. At this age children experience frustrating situations through play with others, boys especially seem to think that they need to buck up and deal with it, not talking about it. If you are able, during the calm times talk to him about his days casually, carefully listening for signs or clues of situations that happen during his day that might bring his frustration levels up. You can't come right out and ask him or he won't feel like talking to you about it, however, sometimes just having children by your side with the TV and radio turned off leaves those blank spaces and children have a tendency to open up. Driving in the car when you are doing errands is a great time for this to happen. Make it a point to really listen to what he is saying. I know this is tough to do at times because we have so much going on in our minds and don't always give what our children are saying 100% attention. No matter what the cause of his anger, he is going to have to get a handle on how he deals with it. Life is always not going to go right for any of us; and how we deal with the rough situations at an early age sets the patterns for later life. Be firm on the fact that the behavior you mention here is not going to be tolerated and remove him to be by himself when he does act this way. Don't give the bad behavior any credibility, but make an effort to reward him with praise when he does act appropriately. I wish you all of the very best, this isn't going to change overnight, so hang in there and be consistent. Your son is at an age where he is very eager to please and will eat up the compliments you give him when he does something well. Positive acknowledgment for his good actions, instead of corrections for wrong doings seem to work best. However, remember, if he does need to be corrected, he needs to learn to handle that, you are teaching him some very important life skills here. Barbara  Links, information and more for you  Remote Control Article Index
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About the author: Ronald Huxley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in child therapy and parenting problems. In addition to being the author of the book, Love & Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting, he is the father and stepfather of four Generation Y children. Read more about Ron here, or contact him via his forum, by e-mail, or visit the Parenting Toolbox Community. |
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