Remote ControlThe online parent's advice columnIssues regarding stepfamilies by Ron Huxley GeoParent and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Ron Huxley bring you Remote Control, a column for today's online parents. Says Ron, "Here's your place to stop, if only for a few minutes between making dinner and putting the kids down for bed, to read about the solutions you need or to post an important question." I never have met his daughter I have been dating a man for seven months. He is going through a divorce. In June he told me he wanted to marry me and adopt my daughters. He told me he was certain of that. Well, over the seven months, he has never introduced me to his daughter. I questioned him about that, then he took a day or two to get back to me. He broke up with me. He said he could never share his daughter with anyone else and that he could not bear to live with my family when he couldn't be with his daughter. He is having great emotional distress over all of this. He does love me and there was nothing wrong between the two of us. Is there any literature you can send to him that would address the issue of having a step family? Signed, Studious Dear Studious: I don't think sending him literature is what is needed here. You are wanting to change him or persuade him to change his mind because of your feelings for him. This is the wrong approach although it is the human (and typical one). Stop trying to change him and work on your own issues. He has too many unresolved issues at this time that would destroy or at least make a life-long commitment difficult. A lot of healing, and grieving, is needed for your boyfriend before you should even consider making a permanent commitment to him.
My husband and his former wife adopted two children while they were married. My husband divorced the former wife about eight years ago. Their two children have been nothing but trouble since well before the divorce. Now, I have a twenty-year-old and sixteen-year-old step son. Fortunately they do not live with us. However, my husband and I have a child of our own, biologically and emotionally. My husband constantly wrestles with guilt because he is much more attached to his biological son. In response to his guilt, he is very passive in the discipline department. So is his former wife. The twenty year old is living on his own, going from job to job and possibly committing felonies. The sixteen-year-old is currently in the "Boy's Ranch," dealing with his drug abuse and sociopathic behaviors. These boys are resentful of me and of my new son. I have tried since I have known them, to establish a relationship. They have in turn lied and manipulated at every turn. Now that I have a child of my own to raise, I don't want either of the stepsons near him. I am afraid first of all that they will act out their jealousy on him and I also do not want them to have any influence on him due to their behavior. I have finally taken a stand and I refuse to allow either of the older boys to "sleep over." They can only be here if their father is here and he must never, ever, leave them alone with our son. I sound like a mean stepmother, but I feel that my priority is this child I have now. The other boys have their home with their mom and they can spend time with their dad, just not here at the house. Do you think I am the evil step mother? I am truly physically afraid of the older boys, especially with their drug histories. Thanks for listening Signed, Fearful Dear Fearful: If there is a drug problem, you are not over-reacting. Letting them in overnight would be putting your family in unnecessary danger. You can love them and still set firm boundaries in your home. If this is more about "yours, mine and ours" than, yes, you are being mean -- to your biological child and to your stepchildren. Be clear, to all and yourself, about why you are doing what your are doing. It communicates an important and serious message to all the children. Also, it is easy to get into relationships with "passive" people, especially if we are dominant personalities. Let your husband stand up and speak up with his two older children. He needs to take the lead in this area, not you.  Links, information and more for you  Remote Control Article Index
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About the author: Ronald Huxley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in child therapy and parenting problems. In addition to being the author of the book, Love & Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting, he is the father and stepfather of four Generation Y children. Read more about Ron here, or contact him via his forum, by e-mail, or visit the Parenting Toolbox Community. |
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