The controversy
After reading a few parenting advice books I soon discovered that even the "experts" do not agree about the family bed. Doctors Sears and Ferber each have books devoted to solving children's sleep problems and have opposing opinions about co-sleeping.

Dr. William Sears, a pediatrician with eight children who is responsible for coining the phrase "attachment parenting" to describe the practice of co-sleeping, baby wearing and extended breastfeeding, is an advocate of shared sleep. He and his wife have spent more than fourteen years sharing sleep with their children and strongly believe in the physical and emotional benefits of this sleeping style for the whole family.

People who talk about Ferberizing their children are referring to the method Dr. Richard Ferber, head the Sleep Lab and the Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders at Children's Hospital in Boston, developed for making children sleep alone. It involves leaving a child in his room to cry for progressively longer periods of time until he is trained to sleep independently through the night.

I think people's feelings about sharing sleep are largely based upon their beliefs about independence. People who believe that independence is something that is taught, like the alphabet, are uncomfortable with sleeping with their children. They worry that their children will never learn to sleep alone and that co-sleeping makes them too dependent. But parents who embrace the family bed understand that children need to separate from their parents in their own ways and in their own time. They know that children growing older, moving forward and away is an inevitable part of life and that it is very unlikely their teenager will want to sleep with them.

It is such a short time that children need to be with their mothers before they start exploring and pushing against the limits of their world. The most important thing I've ever read about parenting, the idea I keep coming back to again and again, is the fact that a need that is met goes away. If a child's need for closeness and security is thwarted, she may spend the rest of her life trying to satisfy that unfilled need. Energy that could be much more productively spent achieving her dreams.

The most natural way to sleep
It has always seemed cruel to me to put a tiny baby in a crib in a dark room alone. She is completely helpless and terrified at being abandoned. In evolutionary terms, a baby that is alone at night is at terrible risk from predators and her environment.

Babies do not know what century they are born into. When a baby awakens alone, her first instinct is to summon her mother. Her entire being strains to end any separation from her parents. If no one comes, she will eventually fall asleep out of exhaustion from crying. I worry about what happens in the minds of these children and to the hearts of the parents who, believing they are teaching independence, chose not to comfort them.

That children are able to adapt to adversity is not a justification for not meeting their needs. I believe that a family bed is a gift of understanding and acceptance of the basic nature of a child.

Health benefits
Cultures that practice co-sleeping have the lowest SIDS rates and some studies suggest that sharing sleep with your child reduces the risk of SIDS. A mother's movement during sleep and her breathing pattern may provide cues to her baby, prompting the child to take a breath if he should stop breathing and preventing him from falling too deeply asleep. A parent who is sleeping beside an infant in distress is also more likely to awaken than one in a separate bed. When Emma began vomiting from the flu one night I was instantly awake and turning her to prevent her from choking.

Breastfeeding provides numerous health benefits to both mother and child and co-sleeping helps to foster the nursing relationship. Babies who share a bed with their mother breastfeed at least twice as frequently and for three times longer at night than babies who sleep alone. The best part of nursing in a family bed is that a mother can breastfeed while half-asleep. She is often better rested than a mother who isn't sleep-sharing because she does not have to get out of bed at 2 am to feed her hungry baby.

Next page: What about sex?

Links, information and more for you

Transitioning From the Family Bed
Attachment Parenting
What is your favorite parenting book?
Share your family bed thoughts
Directory of family articles
Directory of all articles

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About the author: Cathy Allison is a freelance writer in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, where she lives with her husband and their two-year-old daughter. Her work has been published in magazines and newspapers throughout Canada, the U.S and Australia.