The family bed has always been a controversial issue in the western world and there is now greater concern since the US Consumer Product Safety Commission recently urged parents not to take their children to bed with them. Critics have dismissed this policy statement, arguing that not only is it based on bad science, but that parents should be taught how to cosleep safely rather than discouraged from the practice completely. Here, mom and writer Cathy Allison shares her personal experiences with the family bed. Read part one.
What about sex?
In many ways sex is more spontaneous now than before we had a family bed. Often Paul will be working on the computer and I will be doing some household chore when it suddenly dawns on both of us simultaneously that Emma is napping and that we have a narrow window of opportunity. Because we share sleep with Emma, the family bed has become the only part of the house where we don't make love. We've discovered that the kitchen, bathroom and family room can be erotic places and soon realized that we need a new couch, preferably one that is wider, with a pull-out bed.
Couples practicing co-sleeping find creative ways to maintain their intimate life. Some have an extra room with a spare bed while others move their sleeping baby temporarily from the family bed.
Improved bonding
Bedtime is not a source of stress or anxiety in our home. We end the day together as a family at 10 or 11pm, getting cozy under the covers to read books, share new words Emma has learned and tell stories about that
day's adventures. We have wonderful memories of Emma singing us to sleep with nonsense syllables and treasure the easy and contented way she drifts to sleep nestled between us. There have been dozens of special moments going to sleep or waking as a family that draw us together that never would have happened if we did not share sleep with our daughter.
Emma knows that she can trust us to be there when she needs us and by not forcing independence upon her, she is slowly discovering it herself. She spends her days exploring the world by meeting obstacles head on:
climbing furniture, learning to dress herself, making new friends. Her nights are spent snuggled next to Mommy and Daddy, dreaming little girl dreams, safe, secure and very much loved.
Co-sleeping safety
You won't roll over onto your baby for the same reason that you do not fall out of bed while you are sleeping. But anything you do that impairs your awareness of your baby's presence, like drinking or taking drugs, can make sharing sleep with your baby risky. Although it is highly unlikely, if you do happen to roll on your baby, she'll wake you up quickly by crying and fussing.
Do not sleep with your baby on a waterbed, or a soft bed because soft surfaces increase the risk of suffocation. A bed with gaps or ledges into which the baby could fall is also not recommended for co-sleeping.
Sleepers are designed for babies to wear when they are sleeping alone. Nestled next to an adult's warm body, a baby can soon become overheated so dress your baby lightly or bring them to bed wearing only their diaper.
The ideal family bed is queen or king size, with a firm mattress, and minimal pillows and blankets. Push the bed flush against the wall or use guardrail on one side and sleep with the baby between mother and the wall. Baby should be placed on her back or side to sleep.
Family bed resources
Recommended books
Three in a Bed: The Benefits of Sleeping with Your Baby
by Deborah Jackson
Nighttime Parenting: How to Get Your Baby and Child to Sleep
by William Sears M.D.
The Family Bed
by Tine Thevenin
Links, information and more for you
Transitioning From the Family Bed
Attachment Parenting
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About the author: Cathy Allison is a freelance writer in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, where she lives with her husband and their two-year-old daughter. Her work has been published in magazines and newspapers throughout Canada, the U.S and Australia.
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