The Four Styles of Parenting


by Ron Huxley

In his book, Love & Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting, parenting expert Ron Huxley writes about the four styles of parenting. Each style corresponds to a balance of love and limits. Where do you fit in?

Balancing act
Love and limits are terms that describe a parents discipline orientation. Parents who are oriented toward a "relational discipline" are said to use love as their primary style of parenting. Parents who use "action discipline" are said to use limits as their primary style of parenting.

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All parents incorporate both love and limits in their style of parenting. It is the balance of love and limits that determine a parents particular style. Only the democratic or balanced parenting style have both high love and high limits. In addition, each style has strengths and weaknesses inherent in them and are learned from the important parental figures in our lives. These figures are usually our own parents.

Evaluating your style
Parents who use love as their primary style (permissive parents) consider love to be more important than limits. They also use attachment and their bond with their child to teach right from wrong. They spend a lot of time with the child communicating, negotiating, and reasoning. Their value is on "increasing their child's self-esteem" or "making them feel special."

Parents who use limits as their primary style (authoritarian parents) consider limits as more important than love (relationship). They use external control to teach right from wrong and are quick to act on a discipline problem. Consequently, children are usually quick to react and rarely get their parents to negotiate. The value is on "teaching respect" and "providing structure."

Parenting styles are defined as the "manner in which parents express their beliefs about how to be a good or bad parent. All parents (at least 99%) want to be a good parent and avoid doing what they consider to be a bad parent. Parents adopt the styles of parenting learned from their parents because 1) They don't know what else to do or 2) They feel that this is the right way (good) to parent.

The styles
Rejecting/Neglecting. The Rejecting/Neglecting style of parenting is low on both love and limits. It is generally thought of as uncaring and inadequate to meet the needs of children. Sometimes, it is referred to as the "indifferent parenting style" due to its lack of emotional involvement and supervision of children.

Authoritarian. The Authoritarian parenting style is high on limits and low on love. That doesn't mean that an authoritarian parent does not love their child. They do love their child but their parenting strengths are in the area of action discipline (limits) and not relationship discipline (love).

Most children of authoritarian parents do not feel as if they had a close, warm relationship with their parents. Consequently, they are not someone they feel they can turn to for empathy and problem solving. Authoritarian parents value obedience and respect. They do not negotiate rules and chores. And they believe in a family hierarchy, with dad usually at the top, mom next in line, and children last.

Permissive. The Permissive parenting style is high on love (relationship discipline) and low on limits (action discipline). Permissive parents are highly attuned to their child's developmental and emotional needs but have difficulty setting firm limits. In fact, the biggest telltale sign of a permissive parent is their inconsistent discipline. Bedtime is at 7 pm one night and 10 pm the next. They use reason and negotiation to gain their child's compliance. They use their attachment and bond with their child to teach right from wrong.

This is not to say that the permissive parent is an abusive or ineffective parent. Children often do comply with permissive parents as a result of the relationship. It is a little known fact that children do want to please their parents and are more likely to follow the directions of someone the know, love, and trust versus someone they do not.

Democratic or Balanced. The democratic or balanced parenting style is high on both love and limits. It is based on the democratic concepts such as equality and trust. Parents and children are equal in terms of their need for dignity and worth but not in terms of responsibility and decision making. In large families, where there are more children than adults, parents would easily be outvoted, for example, on whether ice-cream should be served before or after dinner. Parents, like the president in a democratic society, have veto-power over decisions that may affect the health and well-being of younger family members.

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Links, information and more for you

Love and Limits
Find out more at Ron's site
The Discipline Book by Dr Sears
Directory of family articles
Directory of all articles

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About the author: Ron Huxley is a parenting author, speaker, and consultant. He is also a child and family therapist and father of four! Get more nontraditional family tools at the Parenting Toolbox or subscribe to his weekly newsletter, "Parenting Thoughts, Quotes, and Smiles," by sending an email to imailsrv@parentingtoolbox.com and put "subscribe parentingthoughts" in the body of the message without the quotes. Got a parenting problem? Put it on the Parents_Work_Bench and let's get to work. A true expert-help, support list for traditional and nontraditional families. Subscribe by sending an email to parents_work_bench-subscribe@egroups.com.