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Strategies for Encouraging Self-Discipline
by Lisamarie Sanders
The primary goal in any discipline program is to help children learn self-discipline. This is what will ultimately make them a benefit to society. However, the majority of strategies presented to parents and teachers stress external control -- when we see you behaving badly, we'll punish you. Instead of encouraging a child to behave appropriately, this focus offers the lesson, "Don't get caught." Although adult-directed discipline is important and necessary, there are many opportunities to help children learn self-discipline as well.
As children get older, time out loses its effectiveness. To teach your children about self-control and self-discipline, you can instead use a Control Room. Similar to a time out, it will remove your child from a difficult situation, but unlike time out, your child decides when it's used and how long it lasts.
This has worked wonderfully for my four-year-old daughter who seems to lose control quite often. After discussing the feelings associated with this loss of control, I told her that when she feels that way, she could go to her room, which then becomes a Control Room. If she needs to, she can cry or shout or hit her pillow, or just take a few minutes of rest. When the feeling passes she is free to join our family again. This makes her aware of her emotions, and gives her the opportunity to control the situation.
It also gives her the freedom to decide when she is ready to behave appropriately. I have found that this also works for adults. I am quick to go to my control room when necessary, too. As an added benefit, my retreat shows her that we all lose control, and that it's OK as long as we can keep ourselves from doing or saying something we may regret
Children have strong opinions about what they do and do not want. Enlist their help when determining consequences. You may be surprised at the results. Children can be very honest and thoughtful when it comes to deciding on a punishment for inappropriate behavior. Ask them what they did wrong, and what they think their punishment should be. A good question to ask an older child is, "If you were in my position, what would you do?" If they give you a sarcastic answer, encourage them to seriously consider it, or offer suggestions. They will eventually suggest something they feel is appropriate for the behavior.
When a child tells you about another person's misbehavior, or you see an example on television, take the time to discuss it in detail. "What was the situation surrounding the outburst?" "Do you think the child was justified in his behavior?" "What were the consequences?" "What should the offender have done?" "What do you think you would do if you were in that situation?" Talking about these issues gives your child practice in determining the right thing to do. It also lets her know that sometimes doing the wrong thing is necessary. It will show her that behavior is not "black and white," and will encourage her to think before she acts.
The key word in this tip is SOME. A child is not equipped to make all of the decisions about his life, which is why he has parents and teachers. However, he can be offered choices that give him some control over his situations. When offering your child a choice, remember to include only acceptable possibilities. If in your mind there is only one right answer, don't allow a choice in that instance. Limit the number of items he has to select from, and never leave the decision open. An appropriate offering would be "Do you want to do your homework now or after dinner?" not "When do you want to do your homework?"
For every situation in life, there is a choice. You can choose to be happy, or choose to be sad. You choose to get angry. You choose to go to work every day. Choices are not always easy for anyone, and therefore many of us ignore their importance. When we say, "I had no choice…" it is because we believed we could not accept the consequences associated with the alternative. It is our self-discipline in action.
The most vital lesson to teach our children is that every choice carries a consequence. When we allow our children to practice self-discipline, we need to be prepared to let them suffer the consequences of their actions. If Sally doesn't do her math homework, she may fail. You should guide her in the right direction, and discuss the consequences, but ultimately it is her decision. If she fails, it is her summer that will be spent in school rather than at the pool. By not stepping in and asking the teacher or principal for a special exception for your daughter, Sally will learn that she must live with the consequences of her decisions. This is often a painful lesson for parents, but a powerful one for children.
Taking the time to teach self-discipline when a child is young will greatly improve his chances for success throughout adolescence and adulthood.
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Understanding Behavior
Anger Management for Kids
Positive Discipline (book)
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About the author: Lisamarie Sanders is a freelance writer specializing in family and education articles. She lives in the Washington, DC metropolitan area with her husband and two young children.
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