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Discussing War and World Conflict
by Rick Hanson, PhD
These perspectives are offered to parents for discussions they might have with their children about the situation in Iraq or any other time there is war and conflict in the world.
Strong opinions
Many adults, and even some children, have strong yet differing opinions about these topics, and the intent here is not to take any kind of political stand, but rather to suggest ways to help children to feel secure and to be able to focus on the everyday -- and wonderfully vital -- details of their lives, from feeding the cat to finishing their homework.
Special acknowledgement to Alvin Poussaint, MD, and Susan Linn, EdD, for some of the ideas and phrasings below.
Setting the stage
Adapt what you say and how you say it to the age and developmental level of the child.
Most adults will have stronger feelings about what is happening than children will. Our purpose in talking with children is to serve them, not ourselves, so we shouldn't use them as a platform for simply venting our own worries or opinions.
Try to find out what your children already know about the situation in Iraq, and how they found out about it.
Let them know you're glad to be talking with them about it.
Try to find out what they are thinking and feeling. For example, a child might ask, "Why aren't they using their words?" Or, "Is Iraq going to bomb us?"
Helping a child with emotional reactions
Generally speaking, it's wise to start with a focus on helping a child feel safe and secure. Once that basis of calm is established and any personal concerns are taken care of, it will then be more productive to branch out to larger, more impersonal topics such as who is Saddam Hussein, why President Bush has decided to attack, what other countries think, the military forces involved, the humanitarian situation, Middle East history, or the ethics of war.
Ask your children if they are worried and/or frightened about war. Even if they say, "No," you are giving them permission to have those feelings and to talk about them if they choose. Try to find out if your child has been misinformed about anything (e.g., "Someone tried to blow up the Golden Gate bridge") or if he or she has irrational worries (e.g., "Mexico and Canada will soon attack," or "Terrorist planes will bomb schools") -- and be sure to address these calmly and factually, without making fun of the child. Prevent or stop other children from belittling a child's ideas or concerns.
With younger children, fears or concerns may appear in their play, such as while playing house with a doll or toy animal, building a fort out of blocks, or zooming space ships around in the air.
It is fine to speak flatly and definitively if that is what you think (e.g., "No one is going to attack a school"). You can also reassure a child with language like "It is extremely unlikely that ________ ." Or use conditional language like, "Even if somebody sets off a bomb somewhere in America -- which is very unlikely -- you and our family will still be fine."
Remind children concretely that events in Iraq are very, very far away -- about 10,000 miles (have them imagine how far just one mile actually is) and just about on the other side of the planet.
Shelter children from your concerns about how the war and its ripple effects might affect your own family, especially concerns that a child can do nothing about. Worrying about something one has no power to affect is a prescription for needless suffering.
Some children will have emotional reactions that go in the other direction from fear toward a fascination with weaponry and aggressive fantasies about fighting and war (though at root much of this is typically a way to cope with anxiety). Try not to shame a child whose thoughts are drawn in that direction. For most kids, the weaponry exists in its own world in their mind -- separated from the context of what it actually does to real flesh and blood people -- rather like a light saber or Tie Fighter from Star Wars. In a sense, it's a cartoon.
Nonetheless, it is appropriate to ask a child how he or she feels about the purpose of that weaponry, about the effects on men, women, and children when it is used. Try to help the child make the link between the weaponry and its human consequences. Encourage all children toward empathy, which is imagining and sensing how it is for another human being.
Similarly, a child might reveal a kind of prejudice about the Iraqi, Arab or Muslim people (e.g., "They're stupid to live in the sand"). For most children, this is just a way to simplify and thus manage emotionally and intellectually a complicated and messy situation by turning it into Good Guys vs. Bad Guys. Don't shame those attitudes, but draw a child into a more thoughtful discussion about the real people involved, perhaps by thinking about the Iraqi, Arab or Muslim children.
Be thoughtful about how much information or imagery a child is exposed to. For older children, this is history in the making, for better or worse, and they might benefit from reasonable access to the news. But for younger children, especially eight and under, images of death and destruction can be disturbing and should be avoided.
In general, children are served by drawing them toward compassion -- compassion for themselves, for their worried parents, for their friends and teachers, for any relatives involved in the military, for the ordinary soldiers on either side of the battlelines, for the Iraqi civilians, and for the political leaders of the various nations. Compassion does not mean moral approval, but it is a felt recognition of the humanness of everyone involved in this situation, of the fact that everyone was once a child who wanted to be safe and happy.
Paradoxically, even though compassion is a kind of giving act, it feeds us as we give it. It is a good way to help a child feel centered and warm in his or her heart. Be especially thoughtful about children who have family members -- whether near or distant -- who are involved with the armed forces.
Be available for extra hugs, and try to be patient with more meltdowns than usual. Besides absorbing information from the news or other kids, our children will often sense our own emotional reactions to the war and be affected by those. It's probably a time for cutting a little extra slack.
Some children will want to do something constructive, which is a positive way to feel active rather than helpless, and to build something in a time of destruction. Simply being a little nicer to their friends or family is constructive. So would be contributing to UNESCO or to the International Red Cross. Or planting a fruit tree, picking up litter on the street, or calling a grandparent out of the blue.
Emphasize above all else that life will go on. History is replete with wars, and we're all still here today. The most important contribution a child can make to the world is to BE a child, full of life and joy, and to do the work of a child in our society, which is to go to school and help out at home. A child can do all that no matter what is happening in Baghdad. Those things are under his or her control, and that's what he or she should focus on.
Helping a child understand the issues
Talking with kids about war is a little like talking with them about sex. Answer their questions and feel free to offer a little additional information, but try to follow their lead, and when they are done with the subject, let it go.
SLet them know that you understand that what is happening in Iraq or in the world in general is complicated and that different people are entitled to have different opinions. Having said that, it is fine to share your own values and views. Kids want to know where their parents stand. But as you do this, keep thinking about how children are interpreting what you're saying; try to speak more for their sake than yours. Be sure to allow your children to express their own opinions.
Many children do not know much if any history about the Middle East, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict (and the shadow of the Holocaust), or the first Gulf War in 1991 and its aftermath that included Saddam Hussein retaining power. They may also not know much about the UN or NATO, and US relations with each. Giving them a quick, age-appropriate summary of this background can be a useful grounding for any discussions.
For older children (roughly eight and up), this could be an opportunity to explore some important and difficult questions, such as these: From the playground to the battlefield, when, if ever, is the use of force ethical? Can there be a just war? Should people be able to say what they think when their country is at war? As the only superpower, how much should the US.listen to other countries? Why is human history so full of wars? What should be the guiding principles that settle international disputes?
We're at a turning point in world history -- poised on the edge of a knife between economic development and democratization on the one side and growing extremism, militarism and poverty on the other -- so what are the best strategies for our children and theirs to pursue to make this century a breakthrough time of peacefulness and prosperity?
Sometimes it is useful to note the distinction between the individual and the country (e.g., "Before anyone is an American or an Iraqi, he or she is first of all a human being"). There's a similar distinction between a country and its government (e.g., "The nation of Iraq, with more than 20 million people, is ruled by a dictatorship, a thugocracy, comprised of just a few thousand people," or "In America, the government is not the same as the people [that would be fascism], so people have the right to disagree with the government; the control of the government by the people is a central principle on which this country was founded ").
Another important distinction is between the policy of attacking Iraq under the present circumstances -- which people have different opinions about the wisdom of -- and the service men and women who bravely and honorably carry out that policy.
Moving on
It is appropriate and healthy for a child, particularly a younger one, to hardly think about Iraq and related matters at all, or to move on quickly to other things after talking about it with a parent.
Please let your child's teacher know if he or she is upset about the war, or seems to have misunderstood something said in the classroom.
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Signs that a child is becoming unduly distressed include a preoccupation with the topic or the news, a sudden change in functioning (e.g., starts wetting the bed again), nightmares, increased fears or clinging that surface around separations from caregivers (e.g., being dropped off at school, going to bed), or an unusual degree of anxiety, glumness, or irritability/aggressiveness. Let the teacher or a counselor know what you are seeing, increase the nurturance and reassurance your child receives, and consider professional help if things do not get better within a few days.
Please pay extra attention to your own well-being during this stressful time; you deserve that for your own sake, and it will enable you to continue to be at your best for your children.
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About the author: Rick Hanson, PhD, and his wife, Jan Hanson, MS, are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships (Penguin, 2002; with Ricki Pollycove, MD). Rick Hanson is a psychologist who works with couples, individual adults and children. Visit their web site at NurtureMom.com.
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