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Parenting and Temperament
by David W Keirsey
From his latest book, Please Understand Me II: Temperament, Character, Intelligence, David Keirsey brings you this brief introduction to the relationship of parent-child with regards to temperament.
The Pygmalion
Project, almost unavoidable in mating,
is perhaps even more of a temptation in parenting. Most parents believe
quite sincerely that their responsibility is to raise their children, to
take an active part in guiding them, or perhaps in steering them, on their
way to becoming mature adults. Even more than the husband-wife relationship,
the parent-child relationship has this serious factor of interpersonal
manipulation seemingly built into it, as though part of the job description
of Mother or Father. Unfortunately, this hands-on model of parental responsibility -- well-intentioned though it may be -- all too often ends in struggle
and rebellion. The truth is that kids of different temperament will develop
in entirely different directions, no matter what the parents do to discourage
one direction in favor of another. To manipulate growth is a risky business.
In our natural zeal to discourage moral weeds from springing up we risk
discouraging mental flowers from growing, our parental herbicides killing
the good and the bad indiscriminately.
The root of the problem is that parents tend to assume that their children
are pretty much the same as they are -- extensions of their own personality
who will naturally follow in their footsteps. But the temperament hypothesis
suggests that, in many cases, children are fundamentally different from
their parents and need to develop in entirely different directions, so
that their mature personalities can take their rightful form. Indeed, parents
of other temperament who assume that they share their child's experience
of life -- that they know what their child wants or needs, thinks or feels
-- are usually quite wrong. Or worse. Acting on this assumption, well-meaning
parents are very likely to disconfirm the different messages their children
are sending, just as they are likely to attribute their own attitudes to
their children, and perhaps even to intrude on the private space of their
children with their own agendas. Such parents fail to realize that, from
the beginning, their children are very much their own persons -- Artisans,
Guardians, Idealists,
Rationals -- and that
no amount of disconfirmation, attribution, or intrusion can change their
inborn structure.
How then are we to take up the task of parenting? We dare not
make it a Pygmalion Project, giving in to our all-too-human desire to shape
our loved ones in our own image. If our children were born to be like us
-- chips off the old block -- then they need no shaping; if not, then shaping
can only have disappointing results. No, our project ought not be that
of Pygmalion, but of Mother Nature, which means we must allow
our children to become actually what they are potentially; in other words,
we must let nature take its course by giving our children ample room to
grow into their true, mature character.
So: the first task of parents is to recognize the different characters
of their children. But parents must also recognize the role their own character
plays in their way of bringing up their children. All types of parents
-- Artisans, Guardians, Idealists, Rational -- have a different view of
the correct way to raise children, one that reflects their own personality,
and one that is often unexamined and unquestioned.
 Read more: Example Parent-Child Dyads
Links, information and more for you  Parenting and Temperament Part 2
Keirsey Temperament Sorter and Keirsey Temperament Theory
Directory of family articles
Directory of all articles
About the author: David Keirsey is the author of Please Understand Me II: Temperament, Character, Intelligence, from which this is excerpted. He also wrote Portraits of Temperament and co-authored Please Understand Me: Character and Temperament Types. This article Copyright © 1998 David W. Keirsey. Reprinted with permission.
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