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Nina Silberstein
Marianne McGinnis’ 10-year-old son was always urinating on the toilet seat instead of picking the lid up. Marianne tried scolding, pleading, begging and punishing, but nothing seemed to change his behavior.
Through a “Positive Discipline” workshop, Marianne McGinnis learned something she calls “making connection before correction.” She began to understand that a needy child is a discouraged child who needs to be encouraged.
According to Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., licensed marriage, family and child counselor who has authored and co-authored numerous parenting books, including “Positive Discipline,” this method of parenting creates an atmosphere where children are treated with dignity and respect as they are given the chance to explore and acknowledge their feelings. They are then encouraged and empowered to be part of the solution.
According to Nelson, positive discipline is an alternative way of raising kids that’s designed to develop the self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, confidence and other life skills that help create happy, contributing members of families, classrooms and society. It involves mutual respect as opposed to bossing. The old standby, “Don’t do this, don’t do that” is flipped around, removing the “Don’t” and replacing it with “You can.”
Giving punishment a time-out
“Even when people think punishment works, I always have to ask, ‘At what cost?’” Nelsen says. “Punishment makes children pay. Positive Discipline that has nothing to do with punishment helps children feel good about themselves and learn the skills for solving problems.”
Positive discipline contends that children do better when they feel better. Parents make a connection using the reasoning that children are more cooperative when they feel respected, she says.
Which is just what Margaret did after the workshop. “I told my son, ‘You know I am going to love you even if you pee on the toilet seat every day for the rest of your life, but I would appreciate it so much if you didn’t.’” Her son stopped the behavior.
“It is non-punitive methods that consider long-term results in helping children develop what I call valuable social and life skills for good character,” says Nesen. Rather than using punishment to make a child pay for what he’s done, Positive Discipline involves the child in the solution to help motivate him. “Help him learn from his mistakes.”
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Elizabeth Weiss McGolerick
Laying the cornerstone for your little one’s confidence can feel like a daunting responsibility, but with the proper nurturing, your child’s genetic gift of self-esteem can blossom. It is possible to encourage your child to believe in herself and in what she does while keeping her grounded and cultivating an open mind.
Stephanie Bourgeois, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist for children, adolescents and families in Summit, NJ – and also mother to one-year-old Chloe – advises parents first get in touch with and accept their child’s unique, inborn temperament. “I see so many parents wanting to change their children or resisting their child’s obvious tendencies,” she says. “Parents must learn to teach their children to work with the strengths and weaknesses inherent to their temperament, rather than try to make their children someone they are not.”
With that sentiment in mind, these five strategies can help your child’s self-esteem soar:
1) Make your little ones feel big
How many times have you heard someone say, “My child is three going on 13″? Many children have an innate desire to take on challenges that are often well above their ability at their young age. Adriane Luksic, mother of Rowan (age 4) and Caden (age 2), looks for everyday situations that provide her with an opportunity to instill confidence, boost self-esteem, and reinforce a positive sense of self-awareness in her two pre-schoolers.
“I find myself actively looking for moments when I can make my little kids feel big by letting them know I’m so proud of them, not only for what they can do, but also for what they are trying to do.” Likewise, if your child is demonstrating responsibility beyond his years, reward him with a privilege that might otherwise be beyond his years – let him stay home alone (within reason), date earlier than you intended (on a double-date, that is!) or something adult-ish but life lesson-filled, such as open a checking account.
 2) Let them make mistakes
Instill in your little ones that being inquisitive is a positive trait – it’s actually a sign of strength, not weakness to ask for help. But at the same time, encourage your child to figure things out on her own, and this might mean limiting your parental influence.
Growing up isn’t easy to do, but you can’t make life simpler for your child by trying to correct her errors before she feels the effects of a bad choice or a poor decision. “Too often parents rush in and interfere with learning,” says Bourgeois. “It is a gift to let a child discover their world, explore, trust their judgment and intuition and decide for themselves.” Perfection isn’t critical – mistakes are inevitable in life – and you can impart to your child that an error doesn’t mean she isn’t smart or a good person.
3) Nurture your child’s passion
You love numbers. You child is into abstract art. You thrive on dance. Your child could play chess all day long. Instead of lamenting the fact that you and your child don’t have as much in common as you might like, develop an ongoing interest in what’s important to your child, get involved, and encourage them to pursue what they love.
“Developing a connection with your child around her passion is a wonderful way to promote self-esteem and allow her to feel her own competence,” Bourgeois explains. “You are sending the message, ‘I want to protect and nurture your true self.’”
4) Play fair
Mary Fetzer, mother of Susan (age 10) and Isabelle (age 4 1/2), stresses the importance of teaching your children how to compete – fairly. She says, “Competition among children is stronger than ever – in academics, athletics, the arts – and part of competition is graciously accepting defeat.”
Whether your child is playing in the big game or auditioning for the lead in the school play, the key is to encourage them to do their very best every time. Fetzer says, “As long as she gave it her all, she has nothing to feel bad about. Reassure her that no matter how much talent or ability another child has, it doesn’t lessen hers.”
5) Limit your praise
“We live in a praise-junkie culture where we have come to over-praise everything our children do, thinking it will build their self-esteem, yet it often does the opposite,” says Bourgeois. Constant exaggeration can produce an unhealthy, inflated sense of self and entitlement. And because it feels so good to get that praise, children may perform just to receive praise rather than for the sheer pleasure they can gain from an activity.
Rather than performing for the sake of another’s approval – something that can lead to performance anxiety – Bourgeois says, “Healthy self-esteem comes when children know what they love to do and actively participate in that activity.” And genuine, heartfelt praise offered unexpectedly by a parent is the positive reinforcement that will mean the most to a child. Rather than “That’s extraordinary!” or “You were the best!” a phrase like “You did a good job,” is good enough. Bourgeois offers additional tips:
- Encourage goodwill by praising acts of selflessness you want to see more of. (“I like the way you kindly helped your sister with that project.”)
- Limit generalizations and get specific when complementing the whole would feel insincere. (“That was a great catch!” rather than “You’re the best football player.”)
- Acknowledge effort by praising your child when they succeed in conquering something that doesn’t come easily to them. (“You did so well in math this term! I know you worked hard for these grades.”)
In a pop-culture world ripe with the message of instant gratification, one of the most important things you can do for our children is instill in them a strong sense of self. Peer pressure will never fade, but a child who is secure in his or her own interests will develop the kind of self-esteem that encourages them to believe in themselves and trust in their ability to bring to their life – through their own efforts – the things they desire most.
Michelle Bruns
I admit it. I used to be one of those people who felt sorry for single moms, especially when I was put into the situation myself. But, once I took my little peanut home, I discovered more and more benefits of our “just you and me, kid” situation. And, I’m not alone on this topic!
According to the most recent U.S. Census Bureau statistics, the number of single parents living with their children in 2006 totaled 12.9 million; of these single parents, 10.4 million were single mothers. Undoubtedly, there are plenty of mothers in the same parenting situation that share my positive feelings.
For those of us who bear the badge of single motherhood, regardless of whether or not we chose it, we can still make the best of it. Being a single mom has its ups and downs, but when you come to a place where you can celebrate the advantages you have as a one-parent household, you may just view single parent status in a whole new light.
Experts say that the first year of a newborn’s life is the most stressful on a married couple. According to Marguerite Kelly, award-winning columnist and co-author of The Mother’s Almanac, some fathers-to-be have fears of their own. Your hubby may not be ready to share you, or is afraid that you will monopolize the baby and make him feel unnecessary. Many marriages are strained under these types of fears, but I didn’t have to choose.
Which brings me to the best part of being a single mother: not having to share my time between my two guys. The first year is an amazing time for mommy and baby, and raising my son on my own gave me the luxury of giving all of my time to my newborn. This little benefit was a great gift for the two of us. Other moms agree that the ups of single mommyhood definitely outweigh the struggles.
Straight and narrow
“I soon discovered after the birth of my child that my husband did not share the same ideas on raising children as I did. But, now I have the freedom to teach my kids the morals and values that I feel are important, setting the tone for who they will be. It has been a healthier environment for everyone.”
- Gen M. mother of two, Rancho Cucamonga, CA
Hang time
“I struggle with the fact that I have to go to school and work and try to be a parent, but when I get home from a long day, I just have to focus on spending time with my children. I feel lucky that they still think I’m a cool enough mom to hang out with!”
- Lori C., mother of three, Henderson, NV
Lean on me
“Divorce is a tough, emotional situation. It can be even harder on the kids. But, I had the advantage of my children needing me. I didn’t have the option of being down in the dumps. I had to keep their spirits up, which in turn, kept my spirits up by default. It has even brought us closer as a new family.”
- Margaret S., mother of two, Poughkeepsie, NY
Room to grow
“Becoming a mother changes you. When my son was born, I had the stress of worrying about how my growth would affect my husband. But, when we separated, I was free to grow and change for the best of my son. I am truly blessed.”
- Vicki M., mother of one, Portland, OR
Sound off: What are you thoughts on single parenthood?
Michele Thompson, MS
Bonding over breakfast is a great way to start the day with your children. Here, some recipes your own “Chef Kid” will love…
Cantaloupe Canoes with Cottage Cheese
Serves 4
While you are cutting the cantaloupe, explain division to your kids. Then let them practice it by dividing the cottage cheese and granola or nuts among the canoes. This recipe can also teach them cooking measurements – 1 cup, 1/2 cup, 1/4 cup, and more.
Ingredients:
1 medium-sized cantaloupe
1 cup cottage cheese
1/2 cup granola or finely chopped nuts
Ground cinnamon
Directions:
Scrub outside of cantaloupe under running water to remove any grit. Pat dry and slice cantaloupe in half lengthwise. Remove seeds and cut each half lengthwise to make a total of four wedges. Using a small ice cream scoop or a spoon, scoop out the center of each wedge of cantaloupe to make a “canoe.” Spoon 1/4 cup cottage cheese into each canoe and sprinkle each with 2 tablespoons of granola or nuts. Dust with ground cinnamon.
Fruit and Yogurt Parfaits
Serves 2
Parfaits are a perfect way to teach your kids the importance – and fun – of eating a variety of foods. Use a different combination of fruit, flavored yogurts and cereals every time you make this breakfast “dessert.”
Ingredients:
1 cup mixed berries or other favorite fruit
1 cup yogurt
1/2 cup crunchy cereal
Directions:
Fill the bottom of two tall glasses with 1/4 cup fruit. Top each with 1/4 cup yogurt and 2 tablespoons cereal. Repeat with fruit, yogurt and cereal.
French Toast Art
Serves 4
Let your kids practice their egg-breaking and whisking skills. They will love using their fingers to dip their slices of bread. Depending on their skill level, teach them how to use a spatula, allowing them flip the toast. Encourage their creativity and comfort with food by letting them decorate their toast with dried and fresh fruit, nuts, yogurt, jams or syrups.
Ingredients:
2 eggs
1/2 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 slices of whole grain bread
Dried and fresh fruit, sliced or diced
Assortment of whole and chopped nuts
Yogurt
Different jams and jellies
Maple or berry flavored syrups
Directions:
Preheat nonstick griddle or nonstick skillet over medium heat. In a mixing bowl, whisk together eggs, milk, cinnamon and vanilla. Pour egg mixture into a shallow square baking dish. Spray griddle or skillet with nonstick cooking spray. Dip bread in baking dish, generously coating both sides of each slice. Cook on griddle or skillet for 3 minutes or until bottom of bread is golden and egg mixture is cooked. Use a wide spatula to flip and cook for an additional 2 to 3 minutes. Serve and decorate with toppings.
Yummy reading
Amazon.com has hundreds of cookbooks for kids. These are a few of my favorite.
 Betty Crocker’s Kids Cook!
By Betty Crocker Editors (Betty Crocker, 2007)
The Six O’Clock in the Morning… Kid’s Breakfast Cookbook
By Peter Engel (Silverback Books, 2007)
Chicken Soup for the Soul Kids in the Kitchen: Tasty Recipes and Fun Activities for Budding Chefs
By Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Chef Antonio Frontera (HCI, 2007)
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