Ask parents of large families what their main concerns are, and chances are lack of socialization won't be on that list. Their children learn important skills such as negotiation and compromise at a young age. Patience, a sense of humor, and the ability to multi-task are just a few of the skills parents and their children master.
But how do these families cope when things spin out of control? Do they parent differently than those with fewer children? Read on to find out how these parents handle sticky situations.
Team approach
"Cooperation reigns in larger families," says Dr. Kevin Leman, father of five, family psychologist, and author of more than a dozen books. "Being one of many children offers a child the chance to work with others, give back to others, compromise, and nurture."
Skills that children need later in life are taught in everyday situations by older and younger siblings. An older sibling teaching a younger one how to make his bed provides both with an opportunity to learn and give.
Kellie Head, humor columnist and mother of six children ages ranging from 2 to 17, finds her children benefit in school too.
"We all sit at the table doing homework after supper, and the younger ones listen and learn while I'm talking to the older ones," Head says. Her second grader learned to read, print, and write much earlier than other kids in her class because she tag-teamed with an older sister.
Sometimes though, children miss things living in a large family that they wouldn't if they lived in a smaller one. Luckily, it's often something trivial. One child from a family of six children relates: " I never knew there were noodles in chicken noodle soup until I went to college. By the time it reached me, all the noodles had already been scooped up."
Lighten up, would you?
"With each child born into a family, parents lighten up and relax," Dr. Leman says. "By the time the fourth or fifth child comes along, most parents realize that teeth don't fall out after one missed brushing, and pneumonia rarely strikes the child who consistently refuses to wear a hat."
Parents of many kids learn quickly not to make mountains out of molehills. And it's a good thing. Dr. Leman says when a group of children are involved, it's especially important not to turn insignificant events into something bigger. Parents keep their cool, because in a house full of many, one screaming child can quickly escalate into chaos.
Don't sweat the small stuff
When Head's two-year-old refuses to stop climbing on the table and her five-year-old spills his milk three times before desert, she deals with the issue and moves on.
"Instead of screaming over that spilt milk, I let him clean it up, and move on to more important things like discussing how the day went for everyone." Head's humor column exposes her children's adventures in a funny, lighthearted manner. By focusing on the positive and poking fun at silly situations, she teaches her children a valuable lesson about not sweating the small stuff.
Head's daughter recently painted her own face with finger nail polish. Understandably upset, Head explained to her daughter how dangerous her actions were, and how difficult it was going to be to clean up. Her daughter asked her, "Are you going to write a story about this Mommy?" Of course she will.
Commercial break
"Each child changes the family dynamics," Dr. Leman says. Younger children need assurance that their place in Mommy and Daddy's heart is secure.
"Parents can build a case for the older child by saying that the baby takes five naps a day but not him. Pretty soon, after so many commercial breaks promoting his *big boy* self-esteem, he realizes he'll be okay."
No matter how much an older sibling digs in his heels before the baby comes home, things change when he holds his baby sister or brother for the first time. "They do all the same things parents do," Dr. Leman says. "They count toes, twirl wispy curls between their fingers, and marvel at how much they look alike." Without having to say much, nature usually takes its course, and instead of being jealous, older children become very protective.
Parenting a range of ages
Parents of large families experience first hand the difference between parenting a two-year-old and a teenager. Nothing. "If my two year-old-climbs on the table, I tell her that from my perspective and experience I know she could get hurt," Head says. "I tell my fifteen-year-old the same thing when she asks to stay out all night. From my perspective and experience I know she could get hurt."
Writer Sheri McGregor, mother of five children ranging in age from 8 to 16, says all her children know how to cook, entertain themselves, and solve homework questions by using a reference book or the computer. "In our house, that type of self-sufficiency is more prized than chores to keep things clean," McGregor says. "I'd rather they find their niche in life so they can enjoy a happy adulthood doing what they love than have a spotless home."
Head involves her children in age appropriate activities that they can succeed at. "The younger ones tear up lettuce and set the table while the older ones cook." Her children make messes like all kids, but they've learned to clean them up. "My kids understand that if they all throw their shoes in a pile it adds up to a big mess."
McGregor's, Head's and Dr. Leman's children know they are a part of a whole - a very special whole that needs each member to survive. The dynamics of these large families succeed because the parents work at it. And they've taught their kids to work together at it. These children have "team spirit" down.
Dr. Kevin Leman and his colleges operate a site helping parents find the tools and advice they need: www.realfamilies.com.
Visit Kellie Head's site for your daily parenting laugh: www.parentinghumor.com.
Visit Sheri McGregor's Web site: motherswhodream.com.
Links, information and more for you
Parents of 4 or more message board
Having a Second Baby
And Baby Makes Four: Welcoming a Second Child into the Family (book)
Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too
Chores Without Wars (book)
Directory of Family Articles
Directory of all articles
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About the author:
Julia Rosien is a freelance writer and mom.
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